July 8, 2013 by Brian
Tonight we returned to the video series by John Eldredge, Wild at Heart. He says that men have three needs etched in their heart – An Adventure to Live, A Battle to Fight, and A Beauty to Rescue. It is the third of these that we covered this evening. (We have already watched the other two.)
The set-up in the video really resonates with us, because the premise is that guys tend to spend a lot of time honing their professional skills with diligence and hard work – we get pretty good at what we do and it feels good. However, we have no idea what to do with our women – they are emotional, unpredictable and don’t think like we do. So…we spend our relationships trying just to survive and stay out of trouble, rather than bringing the same strength and diligence tour marriages that we bring to our jobs.
In this video, the wives of all the men meet together and literally tell Eldredge the secrets of a woman’s heart. What does she most deeply desire? What do they really want from their man? What are men doing that keep women from being their true selves? What are they afraid their man will figure out that will make him not like her? Women have deep (God written) needs of their heart, too. What are we doing that crushes her spirit, and can we help instead? This was amazing material.
Many guys stayed around for hours after the meeting was over, still debating the truth of this video. It was simply hard to believe some of what the women were saying, because it sounds too good to be true. What the women were saying they wanted to do/be for their man was so much different than many guys have experienced, it caused us to really doubt this was for real. For example, what really fulfills our women is “recharging” us, being a refreshment where we aren’t under fire all the time. What? Many guys feel like home is where they are under fire the most! This simply underlines the dysfunction that can occur when we aren’t meeting their needs, and how they can react subconsciously as a result.
Discovering what women really want, stripping away all the so-called worldly definitions, is like having your eyes opened for the first time. Many guys were able to see where their wives were coming from, and all the pieces of their individual puzzles, finally made sense. It really isn’t about the toilet seat position, or finances, or if she can tolerate your obsession with fishing/golf/etc., or even how hard you work. Those topics can merely be symptoms of much more central, deeply crucial needs not being met. We didn’t even know what those were! Now we do. We really felt like we learned something brand new tonight, like one of a woman’s greatest fears is to be “invisible,” not being really seen by her man.
Here is a challenge for the upcoming week. The challenge is this: Set up a time with just you and your woman, and ask her how you are doing on the three areas highlighted in tonight’s video – Pursuit, Protection and Partnership. Let her know it is important that she is completely honest, and that you genuinely want to hear what she has to say. It is the only way you can improve. (you’ll have to watch the video to know what those three areas encompass).
Here are a couple videos – we did not watch these at our meeting – that amplify the value of these lessons. The first is one woman’s story about how her life changed when her husband began living out these principles. Actually, this is a trailer for that video, but it makes the point.
The second, and even more scary, is a video which shows the potential consequences of not pursuing your wife.